Stepping Out of Me, Looking at Myself

I wonder as I sit here, is there anybody there? 

Anyone who understands I feel like tearing out my hair?

So many things I feel so deep,

Down in my heart, they were giants I thought I put to sleep,

So today they have awoke and five smooth stones can't even touch their yoke,

All the work and all the plans, and in only a moment evil has taken its stand,

It surrounds my heart and tears at its walls, my fortress once mighty feels as though it quickly falls,

One brick at a time and a crack in the base,

Satan stands back to watch and avoids staring me in my face,

As I look to the left and look to the right,

My head sinks low and I lose all my might, 

I am drowning in tears and my well has run dry,

My knees shake violently and my heart aches and cries,

Is this a dream, or has someone played a joke.....

Today is not real my spiritual license revoked,

Please I beg You rescue me now,

The uncertainty of tomorrow and the doubts of my vows,

I have given my all, been the pillar of strength,

Rescued the hurting and went the whole length,

How much more do you expect of me now?... 

Have I done something wrong?.... What now?..... What now? 

I have cherished my job and my Godly roll,

But my heart feels so trampled and my spirit so low, 

I need help, I am numb, I have a hard time feeling...

The more ugly put on me by others kills my feelings,

The height of my emotion tries to get my flesh going, 

But I fight it in Christ to please Him I am knowing,

My heart sends poems and words to arrange,

They reflect my pain with a power so strange,

No one gets it, it's always me...

But who I am is who I am and you don't have to like me

I change for no one as I was made this way,

The road I am on is a lonely one by day...

By night it's a terror, a pitch black abyss,

Where I sink even farther in my own world of bliss, 

I think many thoughts and create many things,

Because after a while others don't hear a darn thing,

All about them and trivial pursuits,

Like the game of life and no foundation for roots,

What is my mission as I have no disease?,

No OCD, no depression, oh jeez,

If I did would they listen?, or would my gift go by the wayside,

Would anyone listen harder because Jesus was by my side?,

What a wasteland it seems as people play one another on every fleshly scene. Sex and drugs or a quick fix, 

Seems unfair when you speak softly but carry a big stick,

So I choose to do right and live godly and reflect,

A shame when all I do is try to demonstrate respect,

How much more garbage of others do I have to carry?, 

The load is too much and the burden too scary,

I give my all and all I give..... Lord please help me I just want to live.